My hopes for this blog is to provide other mothers with support, information, new insights, and hopefully a few laughs as we learn together what is really means to be "Mom."

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Christmas Surprise

Conceiving our first child proved to be a long road, but after four pregnancies and a year and a half he joined our family. While my husband seemed to think that our next attempts at parenthood would be easier because my body now "knew what to do," I was still preparing myself for the worst. I knew that I would like to have a sibling for my son, but I was also perfectly satisfied knowing that I had already been blessed with a child. I never dreamed that I would be faced with an unexpected pregnancy.

My husband and I have spent a lot of time over the past six months trying to decided when was the right time to have another child. We went back and forth over the pros and cons of having children close together or farther apart in age. Our determining factor finally came down to where I wanted to head in my career and how a pregnancy would effect those plans. A decision was reached, we would start trying to have another child in about 18 months. Then I started to feel a

We went out of town for the holidays this year to visit with my family, and it was a big bowl of potato soup that made me start to think. The heavy soup was making my stomach turn, but the only time I ever really get sick...It struck me I was five days late. I kept the information to myself for the next couple of days and focused on my family. Even if I was pregnant, there was no sense getting my hopes up, I had already suffered miscarriages the prior two Christmas's this was nothing new. Besides conception usually involves sex, something we have had very little time for lately.

It was easy to ignore the signs while with family, but on the drive home my mind wouldn't stop racing. I calmly asked my husband to stop at the drug store before we got home. Saying simply that I was a few days late but not to worry, I wasn't pregnant. I just wanted to see the negative so I could clear my mind and get a good night's sleep before returning to work the next day. What I didn't realize was that I still had one more gift coming to me that Christmas night.

I have never been so shocked in my life. Two lines...dark pink. I didn't have squint my eyes or hold it just right in the light, they were there for anyone to see. Emotions flooded over me. I wasn't ready for this. Was I a good enough mom to handle two babies under the age of two? What about my precious baby boy? It just wasn't fair to ask him to give up being my baby and assume the role of big brother by the age of 19 months. All the while there was the shock that I was even able to conceive so easily, and the excitement of creating another new life. I wanted to cry and giggle all at the same time.

Before I finally conceived my first son, I realized a very hard truth. Even though I was a woman and even though I thought I was a good person, I didn't have a "right" to get pregnant. It was never anything that God promised me, in fact it wasn't really about me at all. It was simply my job to be open to having a child in my life and to love any baby that may come my way. It is after all, a life that is created, and what right do I have to decided whether or not I am meant to have such a gift or stipulate when I should receive it. With the fear of this new pregnancy I needed to remember this again. Every child is a blessing and instead of focusing on how difficult it will be, I needed to remember how wonderful it truly is.

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